What Does High-Conflict Divorce Look Like?

So many things in this life don’t make sense: Bitcoin, Trump’s presidency, why “embarazada” means “pregnant” in Spanish, the amount of hair a single cat can produce, and the ridiculous joy that can come from sharing a glass of wine and honesty with a good friend.

However, some things make less sense than others; high-conflict divorce, for example. For most, this is a terrifying game of chess. You have to know what to look for, what to expect, and what patterns arise. I don’t even like chess (but have you seen The Queen’s Gambit? So good).

How do I know if I’m in a high-conflict divorce?

Understanding typical narcissistic patterns in divorce, which are shockingly predictable, can help you set more reasonable expectations and minimize your stress as you move through the process.

In the delightful series Ted Lasso, soccer coach Ted Lasso is asked by a reporter to explain the offside rule in a press conference. Ted takes a minute and then responds, “Well, Trent, I’m going to put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain’t easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.

In a high-conflict relationship, it can be a bit trickier. It is not easy to explain, and actually quite hard to see, if you don’t know what you are looking for. But you can feel it. You know something is off even if you don’t know what to call it. And, us not being familiar with the language or being able to put our finger on the madness does not mean it is rare.