Is divorce always hard? Yes. It is always hard. Dividing assets, grieving the future you’ve planned, bearing the pain of your children navigating households is heartbreaking. However, in the majority of divorce cases, both people are focused on solutions to questions like “how do we divide things fairly, how to we make this the least traumatic for the children, how do we spend the least amount of money in order for us both to move on with our lives?”

Although emotions may run high at times, because grief is grief and loss is loss, each party generally respects the other and the process moves forward. Divorcing a high conflict individual is an entirely different animal. Add children to the mix, and it gets much much worse. The stakes get higher.

In a high conflict divorce (HCD), one party may have the same goals as in a more typical divorce, but the other is playing by an entirely different set of rules, working toward an entirely different goal. That goal is winning. Not, how do we make this fair or what’s best for the kids, but winning. And often, it’s winning at any cost. Instead of cooperation these cases are often characterized by lies, bullying, blame, manipulation, and the use of children as weapons or pawns. Instead of fairness, this process may be characterized by chaos and covert aggression. (Definition of covert aggression: calculating, using underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover). The courtroom becomes a war room and while one person fights for fairness, the other fights to protect their image. Abuse seen during the relationship typically escalates after separation or divorce.

What even is a high conflict individual (HCI)? A high conflict individual may be someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or have strong narcissistic “high notes” as the brilliant Dr. Ramani Durvusala says), or other Cluster B Personality Disorder. For our purposes here, we will focus on the most common, a Narcissistic individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Their exclamations always make just enough sense to make another doubt his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of. It’s hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally unnerved.

In life in general, and particularly in a divorce setting, a HCI has one goal: to win. And, the end always justifies the means. They know right from wrong but won’t let that stand in the way of getting what they want….In his book, WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING, George K Simon states “They (narcissists) deceive themselves and others about what they’re really doing info. They have uniquely impaired consciousness...they can be cunning, and sometimes ruthless, they use a variety of manipulative tactics, not only to get what they want, but also to avoid seeing themselves or being seen by others as the kind of people that they really are”. Image management is a top priority.

Any relationship with an individual like this is challenging. When the image they have of themselves stands to get exposed, such as will happen in a divorce, abuse ramps up. When their are children involved, the perpetrator sets their sites on the child(ren) to exert control and to terrorize the healthy parent. This abuse can look like legal, financial, physical, emotional, sexual abuse and coercive control. This has aptly been labeled Post Separation Abuse. (Feel free to download a copy of this Post Separation Abuse Wheel)

My jaw dropped when I first came upon this information. To experience something that feels like being thrown off of a cliff in a snow globe and have no idea what is EVEN HAPPENING, and then to see it all laid out neatly in a predictable pattern ON THE INTERNET is mind boggling.

However, as with things like Excel spreadsheets (reportedly), understanding predictable patterns helps us plan. Knowing what might be coming your way allows for time to plan, strategize and not be so blown off course when things happen. And they will.

Like having a tour guide to help you navigate the crazy back streets in a foreign country, find the best places to eat and translate the road signs, having someone to walk you in a high conflict divorce can be invaluable.