The weight of worthiness

The weight of worthiness.

This summer, I had the chance to share some of my story publicly. It was amazing. Empowering. Scary.

My body had some opinions about this. Before, during, and since then.

I’ve been reeling, honestly. Reeling and grieving more of what could have been (seriously still with the grieving?) and resting. But I’ve been hiding too.

Why?  Because I’m not ready yet, obviously. There’s perfection to be had.

Before I got started in the baby making business, I think I quite liked my body. I was strong, athletic, thin, acceptable!

Three babies and a complicated marriage and a lot of years and a truly awful divorce later, things in my body seem to be different! Uncomfortable! Not at all how I planned!

My therapists gently remind me that change just is uncomfortable. They are NOT wrong.

And, if I’m being honest, I’ve been hiding, I suppose. Waiting. Waiting to use my voice until I was THERE.

It turns out that I’ve got some rather harsh voices in my head saying things like “When you are strong and thin, you have the right to speak up” or “Respectable women are disciplined and control their bodies and therefore are worthy of the stage”. Things I’d NEVER say to a friend, or a patient or a client. But to me?

I know that I moved into starting this consulting  business because on some level I did believe my story and my experience had the power to connect, to validate and to maybe soothe the angst of others in similar places.

So I’ve been waiting to get back to a worthy weight. Acceptable! Worthy.

But I might be ready to show up. To just be me. Where I am now. In this beautiful body that’s been through some things and yet keeps faithfully lugging me around all these years.

I’m imaging a world where we all believe we are worthy. Where we all believe that our voice is unique and powerful and that this world needs us all to show up and speak our truth just as we are. Worthy at baseline.

What are YOU waiting for?