A gallstone and cognitive dissonance walk into a blog

Eight years ago, I had started a blog, a place to get some swirling thoughts out of my head. I realize now writing and speaking has always been part of my creativity although the (newly diagnosed) ADHD/procrastinator in me always kept me guessing. Anyway, back to my blog. I had somewhere between two and four followers of that blog at the time, a rather extensive audience, if you will.

This blog post is a revision. It’s an illustration of cognitive dissonance. If you don’t know what that means, you’re in luck because I’m going to tell you.

Cognitive dissonance speaks to the challenge of holding two opposing truths at the same time. It has to do with how mentally uncomfortable it is to hold two conflicting beliefs and what our brains do to ease the discomfort. An example might be something like “this director has produced some amazing movies and yet they have been justifiably accused of sexual misconduct on multiple accounts.” That’s a lot to hold onto. Our brains don’t like it. So maybe we conclude “I can’t watch anything this person has produced“ or maybe it looks like “ yeah, they might’ve done some bad shit, but they are so good at what they do“. And we pick one. Consciously or unconsciously. To relieve the pressure.

Children experience abuse at the hands of a parent and are forced to choose a narrative: “Either I have a parent who is supposed to love me but hurts me, or there’s something wrong with me and that’s why it’s happening“.

This post is about returning to my own place of cognitive dissonance. It’s about the protective nature of our limbic system (managing our hyper and hypo arousal in certain situations).

The post I wrote eight years ago was inspired by a recent experience. I had been home from work on a Friday, feeling really poorly. My belly and my back hurt so bad, I had a fever, I had no idea what was going on but I knew something was wrong. Because I grew up on a farm though, I’m tough, so I waited it out during the day.

When my ex got home that night I was clearly ill, unable to get off of the couch and as I told him what was going on, he looked at me like a teenager whose mom just told him she wants him to go to church, and said “ oh man, I really wanted to go to this party in Vancouver“ or something along those lines.

I had three medium size children and was unable to do anything to care for them. I remember looking up at this person I had given 20 years of my life to and thought, “I am not in the mood to beg somebody who is supposed to be my most important person, theoretically the love of my life, to stay with me when I desperately need him if he seems so disinclined. If it’s even a decision at all”. Not today. That felt unacceptable to me so I told him he should go do what he needed to do. And he did.

Two hours later the pain became unbearable and I asked neighbor if she would drive me to the ER. I called my closest friends who swooped in and took my children and my fluffy dog and made sure they got dinner, snuggles and a safe place to sleep.

In the ER, I found out that I had a gallstone the size of my gallbladder and it needed to come out. I was so grateful to be met by the kind eyes of the surgeon who was a long time family friend. I texted my ex with the update and got the following response I will never forget: “Oh, god, babe, keep me posted”. And that was it. I told him I needed surgery, I had no further response, and when my pain was managed, I went home to sleep alone.

The following morning my ex went to our friend’s homes to retrieve the children and the fluffy dog, very much leaving the impression to them all that he had been with me all night in the ER.

I had surgery a few days later and, shortly thereafter, wrote a moving post about how grateful I was for my community. I wrote about how we really are all just one step away from homelessness but for our community. There are a lot of things I don’t remember, but I clearly remember writing this with no anger, no disappointment, nothing directed at my ex for having abandoned me. It was not until several years later I remembered having written that post and could now see the reality of what had happened.

I really believe my body protected me from the truth. I think it was Benjamin Franklin, who said “You can’t handle the truth.“ or Maya Angelou? I can never remember.

But I couldn’t. How do you handle a truth like that? What do you do with the fact that this person you chose to serve with abandon, abandoned you when you really needed it?

It’s a lot. The cognitive dissonance. And, every day, new truths become clear and I’m a bit braver and I’m letting my story out of my body.

Getting rid of my gallbladder was just the beginning.