Happyish Holidays

If you are heading in to the holidays and coparenting with someone who is “complicated”, you may find yourself in your car muttering things like:

Are you f%*#ing kidding me?

Why is this so hard?

What if I just moved to Sri Lanka with the kids and threw away my phone?

What qualifies as a felony? Asking for a friend, obviously.

Being in constant conflict with someone who thrives on causing chaos, pulling the rug out from under you, taking away things they know you love, is heartbreaking. It’s infuriating. It’s exhausting.

And a holiday calendar is an ideal stage for control, a chance to mess with you, to WIN.

They KNOW they can’t love the kids the way you can, prioritizing the kid’s needs over theirs. They know that time with the kids means something different to you than it does to them.

To them, time with the kids means they are winning. They have a chance to hurt you because they know you want them. They know they are not capable of meaningful connection with the kids and they feel SHAME.

And, we all know, when they feel shame, it’s gonna get dumped on you. It would be helpful if the projection came with a disclaimer like, reminder, this is not about you, this is about me and my shame and my inability to regulate my emotions and sit with my pain.

But, it doesn’t come nicely packaged like that, does it?

It comes in the form of unfounded accusations, petty arguments, threats of harm to you, the children, themselves, last minute disruptions, barrage of messages, phone calls, showing up at work or school to rattle you.

It is so EXHAUSTING.

And it’s scary. What if they twist my words and use them against me? What if they follow through on their threats? They’ve shown they are willing to harm.

And, while this is all true, it is not the whole truth. Because, the other part of this story is you. You who work so hard to create safety and continuity for your kiddos. You who holds the mess when they show up dysregulated.

This essence of you, your goodness, your honesty, your truth, this cannot be taken from you. The way you show up for your kids when you have them, that’s not something they can harm.

No kids on Christmas Day this year? Take care of YOU. Do something totally new. Maybe you stay in your pajamas all day and read those books piling up on the bedside table. Maybe you volunteer somewhere you wouldn’t have been able to if the kiddos were around. Maybe you DO go to Sri Lanka, but you also come back.

Whatever it is, just practice being nice to you. Say kind things to you. Remind yourself of your safety in this moment. Let yourself off the hook for all those things you think you should be doing.

This is a long game with these kiddos. Stay steady, my friends. You’ve got this.