This is actually a story of a thousand women. Thousands of women. And men too, don’t get me wrong, but disproportionately women. You’ve met this woman, these women, whether you know it or not. Maybe you are this woman.

Once upon a time there was a woman. She was smart, strong, independent, a bit of a badass, if we’re being honest. She fell in love with a charming, convincing man who swept her off of her feet, as they say. They got married, had children, and she never quite regained her footing. As days and months and years passed, the relationship became increasingly confusing. Charming, but cruel! Generous, but also controlling. Kind words in public, demeaning in private. Nothing made sense. Clearly, the only explanation was that something is wrong with her. If only she would learn to ask questions the right way, or look a certain way, or be less demanding, or not be so sensitive or take things so personally, or make his life less stressful by doing all the things, maybe then he would change and the glimpses she still saw of the man she thought she married would become the truth. Maybe he would be the father she hoped to have for her kids, the supportive faithful lover she thought she chose. Maybe this hidden truth wouldn’t be her reality.

Slowly, the self woman she saw in the mirror looked less and less like the badass of years past. How did this happen? This was not the plan. She did not sign up for a life of chaos, gas lighting and abuse when she said YES.

When she finally could bear it no more, she asked for a divorce. She had NO IDEA things were about to get much much worse. Because, as soul crushing as it is to live with a high conflict individual (someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or who has strong narcissistic high notes, or has another Cluster B personality disorder (hyperlink), divorcing them is another monster in and of itself.

 She is living in fear of the suddenly ramped up abuse she has dealt with for years. She likely feels duped by this emotional con-artist, feels guilty for leaving, guilty for staying so long, helpless, powerless, terrified, worried about the emotional well being of her kid(s), embarrassed, foolish, overwhelmed, betrayed, misunderstood, angry, sad, unlovable, paralyzed, isolated, confused, discarded, devastated. And who is going to believe her story? That this man so many people may know, adore, or respect is really not who he portrays.

It is a cruel irony that this woman, these women, (and, yes, some men) now have to deftly navigate the family court system, essentially learning another language, and make critical life changing decisions in order to protect their family and their futures while navigating ongoing abuse from their own personal terrorist. Spend any time on the interwebs researching trauma or PTSD and you will come across the concept of “healing your younger self”. A way of going back in time to reassure the younger you that everything will be ok, that the story doesn’t end where you were: stuck, powerless, numb, afraid. In reality, though, the past is just that. Passed. And all we can do is move forward.

For me, moving into consulting on high conflict divorce cases is a way for me to be what I wish I would’ve had in my own journey: someone who understood, who believed me, and someone who would help me strategically navigate mediation, parenting plans, documentation etc. Someone to stand with me in my truth and reassure me that I wasn’t crazy.

 If you’ve been there, you know the look that passes over the face of someone who doesn’t understand or believe you when you try to explain your hidden terror. My attorney looked at me like this. The one I paid large amounts of money to constantly. Every time we met.

 I think most of us innately believe in object permanence. It just makes sense that the version you know of someone is who they just ARE. Our brains just cannot compute the cognitive dissonance. Most of us can’t tolerate the mental conflict of holding such opposing truths within us and something cracks. Most often, our sympathetic nervous system decides that it is safest to just believe the problem is us. If you hear that you are the problem enough times, it starts to make way more sense than reality.

When I was in the thick of things, a good friend connected me with her cousin in another state whom she described as a divorce doula and although we only spoke once, the gratitude and relief that washed over me as I spoke with her was like a super cozy tidal wave. At the time, I was using all of my energy to keep working and feeding my kids and my dog and to not cry EVERY time I went to Trader Joe’s, and a spark lit in the back of my foggy brain.  

Many hours of therapy (both professional and on the porch with my friends), and many years later, I came across Tina Swithen's https://www.onemomsbattle.com/ certification course for High Conflict Divorce Coaching and I knew this was my next step. 

Each meeting with a client affirms that this was the right move. When I see the relief on their faces as we chat, that I've been there, that I KNOW, it's all the confirmation I need.