continued…

If only she would learn to ask questions the right way, or look a certain way, or be less demanding, or not be so sensitive or take things so personally, or make his life less stressful by doing all the things, maybe then he would change and the glimpses she still saw of the man she thought she married would become the truth. Maybe he would be the father she hoped to have for her kids, the supportive faithful lover she thought she chose. Maybe this hidden truth wouldn’t be her reality. 

Slowly, the self woman she saw in the mirror looked less and less like the badass of years past. How did this happen? This was not the plan. She did not sign up for a life of chaos, gas lighting and abuse when she said YES. 

When she finally could bear it no more, she asked for a divorce. She had NO IDEA things were about to get much much worse. Because, as soul crushing as it is to live with a high conflict individual (someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or who has strong narcissistic high notes, or has another Cluster B personality disorder (hyperlink), divorcing them is another monster in and of itself. 

You’ve met this woman, these women, whether you know it or not. Maybe you are this woman. This is a shared story of hundreds of thousands of women. She is living in fear of the suddenly ramped up abuse she has dealt with for years. She likely feels duped by this emotional con-artist, feels guilty for leaving, guilty for staying so long, helpless, powerless, terrified, worried about the emotional well being of her kid(s), embarrassed, foolish, overwhelmed, betrayed, misunderstood, angry, sad, unlovable, paralyzed, isolated, confused, discarded, devastated. And who is going to believe her story? That this man so many people may know, adore, or respect is really not who he portrays. 

It is a cruel irony that this woman, these women, now have to deftly navigate the family court system, essentially learning another language, and  make critical life changing decisions in order to protect their family and their futures while navigating ongoing abuse from their own personal terrorist.. 

Let’s pause for a minute and talk about domestic violence and the predictable escalation during divorce which has an actual name: Post Separation Abuse. The following is an excerpt by Tina Swithen, founder of One Mom’s Battle, on domestic violence and abuse post separation:

“Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical abuse. During the relationship, domestic violence can be physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. When the relationship ends, the abuse does not stop, it just transitions to a new form of abuse referred to as post-separation abuse. Post-separation abuse continues to escalate and often, far surpasses the  DV that victims are subjected to while under the same roof as their abuser. After the relationship ends, the perpetrator sets their sights on the child(ren) to exert control and, to terrorize the healthy parent. 

Every high-conflict custody battle has three basic narratives: the abuser’s need for control, the abuser’s need to “win” and, the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent. While there are many resources available to victims of DV during the relationship, the only resource available to victims of post-separation abuse is the Family Court System itself (judges, mediators, minor’s counsel, custody evaluators, therapists, co-parenting counselors, parenting coordinators and attorneys). It is so important for those in the family court system to be educated on post-separation abuse and to recognize it in high-conflict divorces, custody battles and paternity cases. Post-separation abuse does not just affect the victim, it has both immediate and long-lasting effects on children resulting in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACE’s, a term used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability. The ACE Study (The Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente) should be the courtroom bible for judges and other family court professionals who are tasked with the responsibility of acting in the best interest of children.” Tina Swithen on post separation abuse. 

The narratives mentioned above, the abuser’s need for control, the abuser’s need to “win” and, the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent, distinguish a normal awful divorce from a high conflict one. 

Women have described the loss of sense of self as an erosion of who they once were. How, as the available emotional real estate in the relationship was taken over by their partner, they became smaller to accommodate and keep what was left of the peace. 

Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, said “I get deliberate with my intentions by repeating this to myself: Don’t shrink, don’t puff up, stand your sacred ground”. A reminder to not make oneself small in order to make others more comfortable. These words gave me permission to stand my ground, reminded me that I was allowed to have my own sacred space on which to stand, and pointed out a pattern of shrinking 

Why I do what I do: 

In many ways, I think we are all finding ways to live our lives that attempt to swing the balance of justice. We parent our children in ways we wish were parented. 

For me, moving into consulting on high conflict divorce cases is a way for me to be what I wish I would’ve had in my own journey: someone who understood, who believed me, and someone who would help me strategically navigate mediation, parenting plans, documentation etc and help me understand my body’s response to trauma. 

The American Bar Association comment on divorce coaches

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Website brain dump:

There are a lot of things in life that don’t make sense, some more than others: bitcoin, trumps presidency, metabolic acidosis, the amount of hair a single cat can produce, basic accounting, and the ridiculous sense of joy that can come from sharing a glass of wine and some honesty with a good friend, to name a few.

However, to date in all of my years, I have not stumbled upon anything more confusing than relationship with high conflict individuals.

What even are high conflict individuals? It’s a really good question. I did not even know that term existed a year ago. Do you know how you can live something and not know the fancy name for it?
Essentially, A high conflict individual is one whose goals are to win, blah blah blah The end always justifies the means from sheep‘s clothing quote page 46 they know right from wrong but won’t let that stand in the way of getting what they want… They deceive themselves and others about what they’re really doing info. They have uniquely impaired consciousness. Page 56, “ determined, cunning, and sometimes ruthless, they use a variety of manipulative tactics, not only to get what they want, but also to avoid seeing themselves or being seen by others as the kind of people that they really are“

Denial, projection of blame, self-aggrandizement, veiled threats, gaining power and achieving a position of dominance. Page 66 her unselfish devotion is his ticket to manipulate and exploit her. When she confront him about the need to be more attentive to his family, he uses guilt tripping and subtle shaming tactics to INVITE her to believe she’s asking too much”

Being in one of these relationships can be like whiplash, both in the shocking way moods can change, and the difficulty in knowing what damage has been done until much later.

According to blah blah blah science data fact, Our brains are soothed when we encounter patterns. Examples of patterns blah blah blah, TikTok, Instagram full of ASMR rituals where a pattern is repeated over and over again in a way that physiologically calms us. (???Activation of para Symp NS???)

I wish I could give credit to which ever lovely human directed me toward the book in sheep‘s clothing, by George Simon Junior, PhD, however, reading this book felt as if someone had been spying on my life and took impeccable notes.
Ideas from this book one page 21 “a manipulators aggression is not obvious“… “Because we can’t point to a clear objective evidence that they are addressing against us, we can’t readily validate our gut feelings“
“they can make it seem like the person using these manipulation tactics is hurting, caring, defending, or almost anything but fighting for advantage over us. Their exclamations always make just enough sense to make another doubt“ his or her gut hunch that they’re being taken advantage of. It’s hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally unnerved.

Definition of covert aggression: calculating, using underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover”

If you’ve made it to this page, you have likely experienced some such individuals (data fact blah blah blah number of high conflict individuals, etc. and parent either in the workplace, and your family, or in the community.

Many of you may have also experienced equal parts shock and calm having come across a list of predictable behaviors.

I have had The sacred honor of sitting across from thousands of individuals experiencing GI distress as a result of their well-meaning sympathetic nervous system. Hyperlinks to information on the body keeps the score, stored trauma, lizard brain response

◦ From Ashlyn Carter’s suggestions:
◦ 1-what type of person Colin woman who is feeling confused, ashamed, overwhelmed, shocked, and grief
◦ 2. What is one idea? Not sure what to put here?
◦ 3. Cap what is one offer you are making them

✓ From brand master Academy, storytelling
◦ 1- highlight their challenges, what stopping them from being successful right now
◦ 2- show understanding, how isolating, confusing, nobody really sees, nobody gets it, and why would they? None of it makes sense.
◦ 3- support their beliefs, show alignment
◦ 4- honor their value, what do they hold dear? Determination, resilience, kindness, authenticity, safety
◦ 5- turn up emotion, what do they fear? What do they desire?
◦ 6- cap used details generously, help them feel they are there with you, smell, sound, feel of environment, draw them in with details. Idea: maybe tell one story
◦ 7- demonstrate transitions, what were they not able to do before, but will be able to do now, what epiphanies, ask customers what turned the corner for them
◦ 8- what outcome do they want? What would it look like, feel like, what impact on their overall lives, paint a picture of that outcome in great detail, for example ex responding to his bullshit texts, tools for staying in the same room, being at mutual kid events, anxiety management in court, clear documentation, indifference, understanding of these predictable patterns, possibly use example of being on a roller coaster with regard to pattern?
◦ 9- use content from former clients, provided incentive for them to share their stories. It is all about the stories. They want to hear a story of success that aligns with their own journey. On that

From Katie. Go forth and fucking prosper. From Brett. Posting sign at trail head. Sentry: if you can’t hang with the sign, don’t go down.

Idea: bits of text floating

Their exclamations always make just enough sense to make another doubt

They have uniquely impaired consciousness.

When she confront him about the need to be more attentive to his family, he uses guilt tripping and subtle shaming tactics to INVITE her to believe she’s as